Warm for us here, the rains have left and the flowers begin to bloom. Sweet scents fill the air dancing away the chills of winter. The seasons all seem the same now. Bored in my days, loss of hope weighs a harsh battle during the nights. Searching for excitement in anything, in something.
My job is entertainment enough for now, with the fanatical personalities my boss seems to enjoy provoking. I take plenty of pleasure watching things unfold in manners that remind me of my past life. Soon this will all end with his departure and a new seeking will be invoked. The replacement will hold nothing no doubt. With this worry I begin to think what shall I become. Will my old habits come forth and bare themselves to take over?
Sins of my past are harder to keep locked away. Drowning in the lifestyle, trying the path of the public seeing straight. Dying inside to be set free.
Free…
A laugh grinds through the rough voice of the morning. As the word rolls such as a dagger out of my thoughts piercing, stabbing my mind creating images the burn. Pain will always be tied to that dream. Freedom is a myth such as peace in my life.
Another day breaks closer to my birthday. Closer to 30 I get. One more year to go. Waking slow and in no rush for anything of importance, staring out lost in what I have become. Alone in my own hidden world of disbelief and lack of interest. Settling for the ones I keep close. No longer searching for someone to know what lies inside my skin. Tired of the fighting, it is time to lie down from the world.
Although today will provide a new piece to my game of chess. What will he be, another boring pawn allied on my side of the board, or will he be an opponent? With a smirk, I laugh aloud with these thoughts of a new game. A new way to hide in excitement. A new player.
Younger than I by age. Tall, with very well kept sandy blond hair, time put forth in keeping his appearance today, or maybe just in his hair. He walks with pride and arrogance, even in the slightest of his movements. Something to prove perhaps, but not with us, not with this job, something more. A facade I’m sure. The smiles are with a hint of indulgence glinting from underneath. Beautiful from my first thought.
Innocents in his eyes that captivates me. The voice, that shakes with exhaustion, not from work or living relationships, maybe from uncertainty. A curiosity engulfs me to hear his words. The lingering fallen tone amuses the feline inside. Will he be a new toy?
A strange sorrow like a single rain drop, lights on my thoughts win I refer to him as a toy. A slight cock of my head, I stare at him with this emotion shifting around inside. Bewildered for a moment. A shiver of interest fades into the darkness of my mind. Lost in further exploration, trying to place him on my board. Not a pawn I’m certain, to sleigh for that, not an opponent either, he seems to be to kind. Although questions still keeps me from trusting him.
Yet his scent, a charm he wears like velvet rose lies under the skin. I cannot stand to be close to him my mouth begins to water. An illusion that fears my heart, and intrigues my mind. Drawn into him my body leans as if searching for light. There is an unseen glow surrounding him, I believe no one can see but I. That such as a flickering firefly in the late afternoon, too early for the dark to embrace, and to light for the eyes to capture clearly. I know it is there.
Days pass with further conversations. Triumphs in gaining ground seeing inside the intrigue. Days become too short with time. Time spent in his presence. Minutes not as long as hours, but turning hours into seconds. Glances become more of a hunger. A slow virus unknowing to my mind, attacking my heart hidden in the blood of my dreams. In coming or going he tangles my fleeting thoughts with veins pulsing in images that should not be.
Midsummer now, with the skies clear, burning hot. I am beginning to suffer not from the upcoming August heat, but a torture hide’s only showing itself when my eyes are closed. Sleep one of my favorite hobbies has now made reality (my hell) seem to be more of the fantasy with lies trapping me in night’s breath.
Questions and worries come from my image of a family impression I keep for society to see how stable I am suppose to be. My boy friend, he worries from my manners I have allowed him to see. Still a chess piece I control in each move. Hidden in the lies I tell are the nightmares from sins of my past causing the screams at the darkened night. It is cruel to allow him to see into my mind. He loves me and I…Well I care deeply.
Would he still love me if he knew the truth of the nightmares? Will insanity and anger be the words he chooses to cast at me as stones against my solid wall only scratching at my inner conscience? The guilt that comes from my dreams is the charade I keep for the public eyes. I do not want to hurt him in this manner. He is too valuable for me to lose him now. For the public thoughts I must not allow him to break up with me. So I lie. I tell past horror stories of dreams that haunted me years ago. I pass them off as they are the reasons I can no longer sleep now.
Nightmare- a frightening and horrible dream. That is what Webster’s gives as a label to my restless nights. But horrible they are not, and freighting only in my twisted mind. Fantasies other may call them. Hope, faith, expectations all hold horrible pain in each syllable. Lust, desire……Love. Like death these words fall heavy with fear upon my soul. They scare me. These are what my nightmares are of.
Fantasies of standing close, breathing in the honeysuckle of life he bleeds out. Every time I close my eyes I can feel him touching my skin. Burning a trail beneath like lava igniting a power I cannot trust, nor allow. I am drunk stumbling with ways to hear his voice. Surround the air filling in my ears, with tones and keys. Storing them for the night’s torture of words he should never say to me. I hang on every word embracing them with keep sake locks learning details of his life. Creating reasons now are thought out in a second’s time almost becoming an instinct reaction to stay in his sight.
No longer is he a game I chose to play with. He entered my life as an undiscovered chess piece. Excitement with trying to use him to win, or merely play with. Now has become my obsession.
Nights come and go with tensions landing in mid stride. Every sound released from my mind, has taken refuge in finding ways to make him blush. Comments and remarks began as simple taunts, are now ways to provide silent images for him. Trying my potency in luring him to me seems to have become a daily delight. Soon now I will succeed, the mental bet between both has taken a turn to daring my more self-indulgent manners. Every day becomes new ways and adventures to taste him on my lips. As a vampire starved for blood, the mire sight of him waters every emotion. I can no longer control myself, exhausted each day from restraining my passions yearning to be set forth. The feline hunts him not as pray, but as an owner. I chose to allow him to control me as he does so willingly. That of a thief I take slivers of his innocent. Unknowing at first or simply uncaring I steal him for his life he has made.
With every closing night, keys turn, lights go dark, only he and I stand alone in a silent room. Closer the dare rages to taste, to be more than a scent brushing past. With a simple ploy I will succeed. A second of hesitation and I fail to take the chance given out the door I stand. Stunned at my sudden spark of morals, I lean against the hallway wall. Taken in the thoughts of self-control, he leans in breath taken from me with fear. My stomach aches with butterflies as his touch strides past the racing fire under my cloths. Singing into my flesh, his breath hot and velvet soft gently sweeping the hair from my neck. Without a touch from his lips I melt into him. Eyes closed, shut tight from anxiety, not wanting to know if this is real. He pressed his lips to mine. Tasting sweet nearly intoxicating, my lips began to move with his. Blank my thoughts had turned against me, I could no longer think. Nearly faint with lack of air, he pressed me harder to the wall as if he could tell I hadn’t the strength to stand on my own. Lost in the seconds we pull away. Words are silent and thoughts screaming louder than ever, with the next already planning to be.
Each time the room becomes smaller, less empty with breaths holding back moans, and strokes of passion smoldering in the empty excitement. Giving car rides departing in vast arrays of thoughts on how far I can push the limit on the next encounter he gives me. With a single kiss I have become a pawn on his board.
Does he see me for what I am? These questions begin far too soon to be recognized for what they are hiding. Wonders not from my mind, but deeper inside, from behind doors I locked away long, long ago. His eyes seem to hold the keys opening a door so wide that old lights seem new as if first inside my soul illuminating fragments left unseen, for eternity I had hoped. I have accepted that I am in love with him. Realizing that this is what I fear the most, to have this feeling take control. The last nearly took my life from this world will I survive this again. Is it true, or only has the dreams convinced me of this. Every thought, every image, every movement seems to be filled with his voice , his scent, his breath singing aloud striking as lightening deeper an exactly to my heart. Still unsure of his thoughts I fear to tell him.
A single poem I write.
“Truth of the Lies”.
In this title holds undefined meaning deeper than the poem itself. As with few others I have allowed him to see I pass the poem off for his approval. In this one holds more importance than others past. Just hours after a secret trip unfolded new truths still I hide mine just under the surface clawing its way out. Not sure of the trust is he or my dying need to speak words unspoken. So as I always do I leave out a few lines.
With stories told during Selen’s moon this one poem was written. Not sure of him not by his fault I truly believe. I’m in fear that I want this dream to be real so badly that I am blinded and deaf to the words that may show me he does not care. The prestige I have fallen under.
Approval he give and relief I sigh fooling myself that he has no clue of the perfect ending I have left from his eyes.
Late that night I finish in secret the poem. Log off the computer reassured that my new posting is safe. Restful sleep waits.
The next day my memories started delightfully. Lost in the success of posting my secret for no one to see and his lack of knowledge of what I have done, smiles my morning into mid day.
Suddenly things change. Terror fills my body, like a deer frozen I cannot move. What has he done? Why? Racing back and forth in my mind, he has logged on and reread the poem, eyes holding on the six little words condemning death to my illusion.
“Should I tell him I am falling?”
Trembling my body, Faint loss of breath my lungs, deaf with no sound falling upon my ears, lost with no voice to scream out, my eyes glaring at the text he has sent telling me he has just reread the poem . My heart has stopped in mid beat. “What have I done?” Screams between my ears! Then a new message gleams on the tiny little screen electricity shoots down my spin jumping my heart into a race so hard, fast it fills like my entire body is thrumming from each chamber forcing blood to revive my soul.
“You Finally Caught Up”
Lost for words I wonder the halls racing to get away from his sight, but battling to stay as close to him as possible. Numb, stumbling intoxicated by all thoughts of trying to stay focused not to cry. Could this be not of a dream?
Cold winds blow in during the night, with it the crisp bit of winter settles in by day break. Unknowing this mid week day leads to a warm ending holding cold truths with moments frozen in time.
Another restless night filled with pleasures ending with the alarm breaking the silence of my morning. Alone under the warm blanket, nestled tight next to the pillows I have surrounded myself in. An illusion to pretend he is lying with me.
I reach out letting the cold lick my warm hand. Many, rising chill bumps race to the warmth under the blankets. A quick touch of a button, atop the shinny square black box, flashing that my day has begun, I close my eyes trying to drift back to see his smiling face again to his warm embrace. I hear the sound of his thoughts. Simple the soft beep from my phone has become the only thing to draw me from my dreams of him. With one fluid movement I seem to float to the desk, out from under the covers facing the cold as if it no longer existed. Open the phone already knowing what it holds. Just as every morning during the past few months still I must see it. Like the first smell of coffee my senses come focused on only hearing the sound of this single request. As if it was the only way my heart could start beating for the day, I crave the sound of his voice echoing between my ears repeating each tone of every letter given to form these three simple words as I read them.
“Open Your Eyes”
With leaps and bounds of thoughts of him jump to the front, pushing everything to the back of my mind, I close my eyes to fall under the warmth given by the images that fill my mind. Every touch, every longing glance, every sweet scents, and saccharine taste, I bask under the short film that my mind has created with reality fed fantasies. With a seductive smile I open my eyes and race for the shower.
I have been ill with a winter cold, but to see me react to his thoughts you’ll never tell. Skipping and full of energy I race threw my morning preparation, to find myself standing in front of the closet whispering aloud.
“White, white, white!”
My hands sweeping throw the array of sweaters, searching for one I believe he likes. Perfect I think to myself, race to do the final touches, then down the stairs I fly out the door. Stopping only for a second to lock up behind me and send a text to him.
“On my way”
Turn of the key the engine roars, but is barley a notice to the music that fills the cab of the truck. A sound track once made for me to find his thoughts in hidden lyrics with songs of feelings and hopes of mine. Amusing now knowing how we both feel. Still I cherish it and click to number 4 then drive to him.
The few days seem to pass with ease. We have been there before but this time the night does not have to run from day break for me. This time I can stay hours alone, admiring every god given thing about him and his perfect smile, and blue shining eyes.
Surprisingly though only a couple fleeting thoughts come to sex. Have I become comforted in just being around him? Loudly I giggle with this amusing question and shake my head, knowing that he would never give in to my charming ways.
Sunday is here and the time brushes past. Night cannot come quickly enough. Excitement of my journey sparks every movement. I pack the truck with smoke and mirrors for all to witness, dress the part, and head west chasing dusk.
On cruse time seems to stand still for me. It seems that seconds have taken place and I am turning onto the white rocks hidden in the grass. In this night dreams become reality. Simple to others, but a lifetime of memories are waiting for me only a few feet away now in his embrace.
Skipping to the door, I gently knock, his voice so inviting calling to me. A deep breath and in I go. Terror strikes in almost panic as my eyes settle on him. So beautiful he sees in the dime of a hanging flashlight. Adorable with a sweet apple in one hand, and slicing off portions with a knife in the other, elegant in his grin, I look away with guilt bursting throughout every nerve. Over and over repeating itself like words locked in a viscous cycle. Nearly breaking into run to leave, I hear his enchanting voice moving to my ears calming, me to set down, using the simplest of words.
Drunk from my obsession I cannot refuse. Lost when I glance at his face my body moves without thought to guide. Tranquilized I stutter for words as I am dying to kiss him. As I sit he leans in taking me in his arms. Trembling, hoping he does not notice. I am lost in his spell. He is like a drug to me I cannot help but be taken under his control.
Soon I’m in his lap with his fingers tracing curves over my shirt. Kissing me so passionate, forcing myself to stop shaking I try to be funny to easy my nerves. Making talk about a fire, hoping he thinks I’m shivering from the cool chill of the night.
Up and outside we go. Playing that sex is not on either of our minds. I joke about the Boy Scout in him cheating with the fire. Using a starter to make a blaze I watch and catch myself admiring him in the way he seems to be so comfortable in my presence. Dying to know what’s in his head I find myself trying to remember all the questions I had come across in the past days since the secrets of the poem.
Quietly he sits in a camp chair soft he pats his thigh inviting me to join his lap. In an instinct reaction to his demand I obey without thought. Nearly in a horror my heart races with excitement and torture. I must not be too aggressive I know he will stop me. He will not let us go all the way and with that convincing thought I relax keeping trust that he will not let my Lioness take over and defeat him.
With passion escaping the both of us, I cringe in trying to maintain myself. Control I keep repeating in my head. Does he know he is torturing me? Clawing at the back of the chair, trying to avoid not clutching his skin I nearly break a nail off. Fighting so hard it is taking every ounce of me to hold myself back. He is killing me. Shaking with need, desire ragging. I am burning on the inside so hot I can barley breathe. Each breath I take leaves in shutters taking control with it. My blood is boiling taking over me I can feel I’m loosing control. I sit up from touching him trying to regain, before I tear him apart. He does not stop. I glance at his face and see a smile is perched upon it. Harder he grasps pulling me in. Fighting I try with no chance between him clutching to stay close and almost completely all of my body fighting to be even closer, war being almost a joke. Then he whispers to me.
“Open your eyes.”
Tightly shut concentrating on not hurting him, on staying in control. “Are you out of your mind?” My thoughts are screaming between my ears. I pull my eyes firmly as if they were sown in by steel wire. Quivering holding in the last drop of control, he speaks over again and again defeating my every effort to not let my evil self take over.
“Open your eyes!” He demands.
Then in my last desperate attempt to not listen his breath warm lingering in my ears he whispers my name. That of any sweetest song, sending a feeling that words hold no meaning into the beyond regions of my conscience, wide open, they see everything in such clarity. Amazing the scene that I have burned into my memory, pressing my head on his shoulder looking over his back, gasping for air I beg for him to stop. Weak in his curse I have to pull away. The air holds no relief; in each gasp I can taste him on my tongue. I try breathing through my nose and his scent completely enchanting, I begin clinching my fist together trying to bring pain; my inner sin begins to vibrate down my throat and into my body. A roller coaster of emotions have been weighing heavy ever since the first step into the camper. Weak now I beg of him to let me go through my body moving away from his touch. With satisfaction he gladly abides to my request.
Giving time for gentle conversation, I find that I am sitting on the ground camped between his leg with my head propped on his thigh as he sits like a god comfortable in his skin. Listening to his voice not caring of anything he says. Only wanting for the sounds to never stop coming from his lips, I engage in a little treasure hunting of his mind.
He holds back so much it’s almost sad to me. I know what it feel s like in so many different levels to always have to maintain constant control. But he does it on demand. To only see into his head for a moment?
As I ask questions it becomes amusing how he dances around them. This has truly been hand made into a talent for him. Too weak to toy with his whit I sit and fade into only being this close to him.
Just as god loves to bend the rules he sends down a few rain drops forcing us to take to the inside. A cynical smile resides upon my face as we enter. My heart has been defeated and the desire and lust is now in full control. A fresh wind hits as I feel myself fall into this power. Unknowing he feels powerful at this moment and soon the illusion of his power will be shown in great detail in these captivating eyes that he has given new sight too.
With precision surgeon nervous my hands find ways to charm his strength. Using his need to be in control, I find myself atop taking advantage of his naivety. As I place every kiss precisely, and glide each glance with accuracy. I can feel his trembling start. Such as the first whiff of blood I bit my lip in trying to maintain the soft gentle flexing s of this power. With fear of scaring him into stopping me I keep my passion chained in. Painful almost in the softness of his skin beneath my lips I crave to feel his heart race such as mine. Slowly undressing the guilt from each other his hand continues to keep trace with mine. Mirroring the lines I travel, to my body. The breathing still keep concealed in his chest, my mind begins to misplace the images I wanted to show him. Beautiful yearning consumes me from the inside. With watering passion I stop playing teasing him and realize I have only been teasing myself. Lack of concern my heart start takes over. “This is not a game.” Barely under my lips have I sighed out? Unknowing to his ears I hunger after the words to bring the night to perfection. Trusting not of him, I want him to ask for me. He must want me as much as I need him to be inside me. Slowly with biting my lip I raise taking in the bravery to ask. “Do you want me?” Holding in the taste I wait to hear his invite. In a whole new tone, I have never heard before in this life, shatters my essence of control. Shocking to the sounds, floating, surrounding us both I melt onto him. Captivated, lost in the incredible sensations pulsing, rage that so indescribable to my imagination, I fall into euphoria unknowing to I that has engulfed him as well.
Leaning in to take the beats of his heart as words calming my soul, he brakes the still air with words I’ll never remember, but his sound unforgotten.
A candle gives way to the hot breathe, burning the room into passion, the wick is defeated with trying to keep light. Darkness falls not stopping the thief; I have turned out to be, giving a new clock to hide under. I become even more finding in ways to explore the man I crave. Unseen, I know him without a flaw. I trace his perfect face seeing him with me fingers my mind catches glowing images fascinating me, as to how much I desire him, I smile pulling him closer to touch his burning skin to mine. Merciless in my actions, I cannot stop myself from finding ways to pleasure him one more time. Giving way to passion under him I tremble harder than before. Through self-indulgent manners, my body surrenders into a frenzy of ecstasy that continues by the mire warmth of his passion falling upon my skin. Unable to stop my body from shuddering, he kisses me calming my heart with the force of exhaustion we both fall beneath. Restful I curl up into his arms finding my head listening to the lullaby the beats give through his chest, I drift into sleep. Not fearing what my mind shall give to me tonight. Trust in him will protect me from the dreams.
His fingers exploring my skin, I wake in perfection, feeling his breath on my neck. Tracing the words dying inside of me he pulls his fingers from my neck down my shoulder slowly moving to my side down my back. Trying to soak in all that between us I try not to move. Holding my lips as tight as I can, trying not to speak, and promising in my last dying breath I shall not say them I convince myself to roll over and look at him hoping I can still see what I believe.
Bluer than ever burning into me, find my heart scared with emotions I have longed to feel. Nervousness strikes forcing the bullet of day break to race in. Spending moments with wasteful talk, never giving into my thoughts, my own self destructive nature begins to prepare myself for the departure coming sooner than I can bare.
The playful taunts he gives me I keep control only letting seconds of passion escape, for both our pleasure. Several more times I willingly give into his command, falling with fingers aspiration to feel my shivering over and over again.
Late now a sickness resides, all I can think of is the cruel drive away from him. With one lasting kiss I pull away dying, leaving behind half of myself. I walk to my truck fighting to not look back, tearing at my heart to stay inside my chest to keep from clawing its way into his arms again. I catch my arms trying to wrap around my chest. As if that would keep it lock away. I single tear falls, when I glance up out the window, to see him staring at me. Panic stricken I try to hide in the movements of the truck finding its way to the pavement. Moving the rear view mirror away from behind me, tears race down both checks. “This will be the last” I keep repeating over and over aloud in the silence of the cab, to ease the pain I try rolling down the window and turning up the music.
Harder I press my foot down finding no speed in the gas; past the exit I pull into an empty lot sure if he comes I’m hidden out of his sight. Letting all fall with
freedom my heart aches in his loss of the dream I nearly hate at the moment. Curing myself inside my head I pull it together. Blind in the drive back east I try to convince myself to leave this town that I can make it. Just keep going till I have nothing left. The text messages are pouring in for both bringing reality to truths.
I can no longer see the road I pull in for a bit to eat hoping that I can pull my mind away from the drive. A tiny dinner filled with judging eyes I walk to the smallest corner of the room. Feeling so small I nearly sink under the table. With every muscle I have I force out words to answer the concerned waitress for tea. Pulling my hat as far as I can to hide my eyes I fear she can hear it in the tone of the voice that is not of me. Unfortunately a familiar tone I have grown accustom to. With many thoughts racing out of my head to my finger finding the text defeat my own trust such as any coward I cannot say it to him face to face I text
“I am in love with you”
The worst text following my heart hides back in its deep corner shivering from what’s to come. With conformation from him and guilt that it is not at all his fault. Knowing that all the truths lie in the story of my thoughts he will never read. I have done this to the both of us all blood lies on my hands.
As a large piece of pie falls into view the waitress pats my right should and says
“You’re better off” turns and walks away leaving a tab next to my hand. Out of pure curtsey I nibble bits finishing half the pie tasting nothing from his lasting flavor, I turn the check over finding the simple smile she has drawn on the check and just under it say don’t worry about the pie, I glance up searching to find her at the counter and realize I am the only person in the dinner except for one lonely gentleman sitting at the far end of the bar. Terrified I’m in a dream I quickly leave the money on the table and race to my truck nearly in a sprint.
Trembling I climb in and drive off. Comforted in seeing other cars on the highway I receive the text that slams the door on my already waiting heart.
“Close Your Eyes”
