Dreams

Fear races over me sparking every nerve

sending mixed emotions
I don’t know what I’m thinking
not sure of what I am feeling
all I can see is the road ahead
the track home I’ve done so many times
I don’t have to be fully conscious to make it
the fear isn’t going home
the fear revolves around another
for most of my life this was my way of escaping reality
I loved
used to think I was a professional at the habit
but now the tiredness that comes at the end of the day brings…….. Pain
I do what I can
I’ve tried most angles now
ways to skip
nothing seems to be helping
all faith has left me
I can feel it
the nothing is gaining control
soon self destruction will become more of a good than bad
when life is truly better than my dreams
then I fear my life needs to end
the daily grind is no more joyful than
walking across the same bed of hot coals

everyday with the memories of mistakes
weighting in every burning step

the strive to overcome sins of my past
force me to keep walking
I pull in to the drive all lights are off
tears form in my eyes
I am alone
a fighter I am
defeat is near
I can feel its presence
surrounding the front door
the radio so loud
I cant hear what the music is saying
all thoughts are focused now on getting out of the car
I could sleep here a fleeting though leaps to the front
no they will still come
they are waiting
like a demon sitting on the back of my neck
breathing its lust for the pain
cold icy breath sending chills down my spine
every hair standing on end
It’s hot out and I am cold
lusting for peace my heart aches
I put the key in the door turn listen for the click of the lock
“breath” I have to say aloud
the crack in my voice startles me
I flinch
the sound of my phone failing to the concert entrance
pierces the thoughts waiting to spring forth
bringing me back to what I am doing
breathing
the door opens
I know I am alone
the fear dwells within
the house has nothing waiting for me
I bring the danger inside with
in my mind it waits
patient
all I need is to get comfy
to get warm
to fall asleep
then he begins to feed
fear still driving me to stay awake
this is keeping the paranoia alive
for the moment I walk through the house
hearing covet and tiddles joyful cries that I’m home
coming from there room
quickly I move to let them out
they are like a pain killer for only moments
but moments ill gladly take
no matter how brief
they race past me sprinting to the front door
a slight turn of my lips to smile
suddenly covet stops at the door
I had left it open for them
he looks back
nothing no sound just stair for a second
then leaps out the door
to anyone else this may not be odd
but in the glair I felt it a looking
a searching almost as if he didn’t recognize who I was
for a single moment
outside I wait for them to come back to me
leaning against my car
watching them two look so happy playing in the grass with each other
I call their names neither one flinch
as if I hadn’t made a sound
then I clap my hands they both jump and look in my direction
had I spoke before
had sound past through my lip
I question then they came running to me
the distraction I needed
tiddles leaping at my feet covet purring leaning in
on every pass through my legs
petting himself against my leg
in we all walk into the house
they run to the food bowls
still nothing for me to say
I almost felt it was a waste to try
defeat starting
I wasn’t seeing it yet
the pouring of the food the sound hitting the bowl was vacant I
don’t think I’m hearing it
a fleeting though jumps in front of my mind
a yawn coming
fear shoots through my veins
I stumble then realize covet is not watching food hit the bowl
tiddles already head into his crunching into his dinner
covet looking at my face could he see
could he be hearing the rise in my throat
tears fight to break through
he knows a sound echoes between my eyes
I had always heard that cats lived half in this world
and half in the other darkness
chills raise the hair on the back of my neck
shake it off
I look back at him “what” I spoke with a hint of sarcasm in the tone
as if to answer he leaps into his bowl and begins to eat
puzzled but no more thought put into that
the defeat was approaching
a yawn sneaks in
I glare up at the stairs to my bedroom
loneliness engulfs me
heart pounding in my chest
the pulse in my ears is drowning out all thoughts
a single tear falls
“I got to go” squeaks through my throat and into the air
I duck my head I follow my feet to the room
slowly taking off my cloths putting my favorite night paints and t shirt on
I climb into bed
defeat I sigh
breath in
Out
in
Out
my eyes still fighting refusing to close
fear like lava slowly burning under my skin
like a battle cry tears stream down my face
I’m not ready for this
I know they are not real
thoughts race over and over
its thirst for my pain
has the demand shivering with excitement
its breathing is full
more tears
clod on my skin
yet I cant seem to feel
numbness begins to overcome
the last tear falls
into battle I go